A Conversation about Online kindness

I have noticed over the last few years an increasing desire for online users to spread hate and to constantly tear down the thoughts, opinions, and efforts of others. This is not new behavior, but it seems that people more than ever take pride in the ability to act in ways online that they would not if they were confronted with a person with an opposing opinion. I first noticed this during the 2016 election but I feel that this trend continues and I am unsure as to why. Healthy debates are important but what I’ve noticed is this idea seems to extend beyond debating opinions, but rather it seems that far too many people think that their beliefs are the only ones that should be expressed, even if it’s their beliefs that have always dominated society. For example, you see people saying things like “this world is going to hell in a handbasket” when the topic of gay people being equal and getting married is brought up, as though this same argument has not been used against racial equality in the past.

I began to notice this idea of online users seemingly going out of their way to invalidate the opinions of others during the 2016 election. I can recall being very passionate about the potential outcome and thus I talked a great deal about it on Facebook. Some people came out of the woodwork just to disagree with what I said or what the article said that I shared. As stated earlier, healthy debates are important and I feel as though I have been enhanced as a person due to many of those debates, however; that is not what this situation happened to be. These were people who I had not seen in years, they never bothered to comment on anything else I posted, but as soon as I posted a positive comment or article about the presidential candidate I supported, they felt this intense need to write some long and desperate paragraph about why the candidate could not be trusted and they would always include a healthy dose of conspiracy. It made me angry and I didn’t know why then, but I do now. It angered me because of a couple of reasons. Reason number 1 is the fact that some of these people were Facebook friends I had met once or twice and we somehow ended up being online friends. This bothers me because as a general rule, I am not going to attack anyone’s beliefs, especially if I do not know them well. Perhaps that is a me thing, but I believe in respect and decency.

The other reason I feel this way is because the comments were rarely constructive. I could understand if someone commented with opposing views and they did it with facts and logic, not with hate and sexism, but that was not the case. I wanted to understand the logic behind the desire to comment with such biased and negative thoughts in such a loud way. That was the other issue- these comments were almost always dramatic and then the entire comment chain (is that what I call it) became personal with even more people, on both sides, chiming in. There were also times where I thought to myself, “if this is what you believe and this is how you feel that you must express it, just message me. Why add this level of toxicity to Facebook”. I’m beginning to think much of it is for attention as well as this intense want to hang on to the way things used to be.

I can also look at issues of racial unrest and injustice and how many people on social media responded to it. Sadly, each time there happened to be an unarmed black person who was murdered by police, it seemed that many of my online friends, mostly ones who are on the right in terms of politics, were quick to begin posting negative comments and statuses about the legitimate fears and concerns of a community that has been historically targeted by law enforcement. I never understood this- why do you need to say that this child should have been murdered and that the police, or private citizen, should not be charged for the violation. I can remember one time specifically when I saw a former friend say something to the effect of, “Here comes all the new legal experts” or some dumb shit like that and it bothered me because people who make comments like that are ignoring the history and are aiding in continued discrimination against minorities. Even if for some reason they don’t believe there was any wrongdoing in the killing of an unarmed person, why do you need to publicly make a statement in direct opposition to the grief of the family of the victim, the community that suffered for far too long, as well as the many allies to simple human decency and respect? Also- why question why the media needs to specially state that the person was black? That is an important part of the story because we are not equal in this country and ignoring that fact only makes it easier. Like the phrase says- call a thing a thing.

I remember being disappointed by many people in my life that I respect and look up to. By no means did I think everyone needed to make a public statement about the atrocities of last year (Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and countless others) but I saw many people essentially say that fighting for justice and equality did not matter. I tried to ignore it but it bothered me that these people would get on their Facebook, with all of their privilege, and say that nothing in “this life matters” when there are literally people dying in the streets at the hands of those who were supposed to protect them. I know that not everyone understands, but it seemed as though there was no effort and instead of trying to learn, they retreated because the global conversation was too much for them. They did not regard it as a needed conversation because black people are not treated the same by law enforcement as they and their families are, they saw It as a threat to their privilege, which, in my opinion, is a perfect way to explain why racism, homophobia, and other forms of hate are so alive and well today.

Another way I have noticed online hate is when it comes to the way people talk about/to celebrities and other online influencers. I think there is this idea that celebrities are rich and privileged and that it is more acceptable to be mean to them online. Perhaps people assume they will not see the comments, which is often true, but what about when they do? Why do you have the need to comment and call them ugly, or fat shame them, or say their careers are over? I have never understood this need, and it’s a super toxic trait of many people. As an example, I came across a post from Suzanne Somers, who is 74, and the first comment was from another lady saying that Suzanne looked super old and leathery. I was baffled by this because I don’t know what response this woman was expecting. That comment on this page served no purpose besides to spread hate and insecurity. You see it all the time. Another example, Cyndi Lauper performed for the New Year’s Eve show on ABC this year and the performance was awful. Like truly bad, which is okay to say, but the issue is when people start questioning the talent of someone who has been around since the ’80s and question why she was invited to perform in the first place. She had one bad performance- but who has not had a bad day at their jobs where they may have seemed incompetent? It’s all the same- celebrities have a job. Yes, they are in the public eye and that welcomes opinions, but we as people often make the choice to make it about hate rather and to critique a product that we did not enjoy. We also don’t consider how often we fail at our jobs or in our daily lives when we decide to bash a famous person online.

Finally, what I think is also important to say is that when it comes to your social media accounts, it is up to you to set the tone. This is your platform to share your opinions with people who you know and people that you don’t, the issue is that for others, instead of simply disagreeing and moving on, they decided to bring negativity. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone post an opinion I did not appreciate and then felt the need to comment something negative. Again, nothing wrong with creating a debate, and of course sometimes opinions can be changed, but you won’t do it with negativity. If you comment on my page calling me a “snowflake” or a “social justice warrior” (which is often used as an insult) you have nothing at all to teach me and you may as well delete me. This brings up another point, I delete people. Not for disagreeing with me, but if your only presence involves you condoning racism, discouraging progress, or questing the rights of others, I don’t need you. I can see an opinion I do not like but I am not going to tolerate hate, which unfortunately our society has told minorities that they should be willing to endure comments and situations that directly question their freedom, existence, or right to equality.

My hope moving forward is that more people will think twice before commenting on something they disagree with or even before they make Facebook posts in the first place. I can think of many times where I had a long and drawn out status planned, gave myself a few hours to think about it, and then decided to either change it or not post it at all. Contemplating your words before you put them out into the social media universe is not censorship, it’s simply considering what your words mean when you string them together.